"Chrissy!!!!" She shrieked waking her husband from his sleep in.
When he didn't stir, she got louder "CHRISSY!"
Still no reply.
"Chrissssssy," she whined "I know you are awake."
"Ah, why can't you just pretend I am sleep for once?"
"because of this!!!" She answers facing her pregnant belly towards to her dopey husband.
"What...?" He is confused and honestly doesn't care.
"Stretch marks Chrissy! On my belly, why didn't you tell me?"
Now he is confused, why was he supposed to tell her...?
"You know I can't see my belly! I need you to tell me!"
He wasn't sure if she was joking or not.
She grabbed a hold of the Bio Oil and rubbed it on her under belly.
She thought to herself that she may have over-reacted. She had found stretch marks on her enormous boobs a few weeks before. It was upsetting to see the three or so small reddy-purple lines on the top outside of her melons. However, she had to admit, she had escaped getting any lines earlier when her lumps of fat had grown from an already large 10E to a 14FF. She now looks at her old bras and wondering softly if she will ever fit into them again. They look tiny compared to the basketball holders she is sporting these days. So, the stretch marks on her breasts, they didn't get this reaction.
It was about a week after that she had discovered two lines on the top of each of her thighs too. Given the extension of her butt and thighs in the months of her baby growing, this did not surprise her either. They were small and not noticeable. They got some attention from the Bio Oil, but not the stressed response that her stomach did.
So why was she so shocked to see stretch marks on her belly? Of course her belly was ten thousand times bigger than it was before. If any area of her body was going to get coloured, jagged lines on them, it was going to be her belly. So who cares? Why did these marks seem like such a travesty that required a huge response at 6:30 in the morning and an acknowledgement from her husband?
After she pulled herself together and considered her situation she had to conceed, it could be much worse....
So thankful that none of these are me!
Baby school has continued for the couple weekly and now they are up to week 4. Conversations have been had about labor positions, pain relief and how to keep tiny human's safe. Then there were the videos and so many boobs, always boobs to see.
Week 4 was all about a tour of the hospital. At Royal Hospital for Women there are 10 delivery rooms, all with en suites, beds, gas and some clinical looking medical equipment. Oh and they all have balconies, not fancy city views but an outdoor space for when the woman is in so much pain she just wants to jump... or when the man has had enough of being the support and is ready to give up. Perhaps that is not the intention, but that is how the couple interpreted the architectural design.
After the baby comes out the couple will be moved upstairs to either a double or a single room while the mother recovers from the trauma of childbirth and tries to adjust to the tiny human being outside of the body.
After the tour there was more talking and more mentioning of "bearing down". Why does this facilitator lady love bearing down so much! This week also taught the couple about the perineum.
She told the group that it is the midwife's job to preserve the perineum. She was quite excited about this. But it is understandable that when incontinence and terrible tearing is concerned, someone needs to be passionate about avoiding it.
The other fun thing that the couple watches out for is when the facilitator doesn't agree with the father's humour and cuts him off or changes the subject. Lucky the mother thinks he is funny. If nothing else the couple are enjoying laughing inappropriately at the baby school content.
So what is the rating now...
Conveyor: 3/5 She has dropped a few pegs for the couple due to her obsession with bearing down and that she doesn't laugh at the father's jokes.
Content: 4/5 The tour was useful to just how much American TV does not prepare you for giving birth in Australia (surprised?... no).
Overall: now we are looking at more of a 3/5...
