1. Hallucinating baby cries when in fact the little man is sound asleep in his bassinet. Even sometimes "hearing" baby cries when he is in your arms happily eating away at the boob.
2. Constantly caressing your own boobs to identify if it is food time for the tiny being and if it is, which side to give him to gnaw on.
3. Packing 10 changes of clothes for the baby when you are staying over at your in-laws, but only one change for yourself (which is quickly covered in sweat, tears, fresh and regurgitated boob milk) and no jammies.
4. Wanting to enjoy the time you are able to go to the shops on your own whilst hubby has the little guy but constantly feeling like you might have left him in a store somewhere.
5. Trying to come up with new a fun responses for when friends, family and random people on the street tell you how adorable your child is but only responding with the same thing "yep, when he's not screaming, he's quite cute".
6. Or what about when they say how well you are looking and you have to question are they lying or did you always look this disheveled, fat, tired and overwhelmed. Seriously if you could see my stomach you would not be saying some positive things, that body part is what horror movies are made of.
7. Feeling like you are presentable because this shirt only smells a little bit like vomit. It seems like I am often saying "Pfft, who cares, I can go to the shops/walk/park like this" when really the thought should be "I think this top belongs in the washing basket... wait when was the last time I brushed my hair...?"
8. Not wanting to be intimate in your partner because you never felt less sexy in your life and you don't want to put him through that kind of trauma of having to pretend to appreciate your body.
9. Constantly stressing over when another human did a poo; what colour was it? what was the consistency? how much was there? did it smell? Oh crap did he just put his foot in it?!!!
10. Not being able to say what time you will be anywhere because "it all depends on the baby".
11. Trying not to obsessively compare the little person to what the internet says he should be doing/what size he should be... but doing so anyway.
12. Constantly talking to the mute baby as if he can understand everything you say and interpreting his silence, gurgles or cries as legitimate responses.
13. When your little person sleeps a little longer in the night, but you have been awake since 1am because your body is so used to waking every three hours it does it without prompting.
14. Trying super duper hard to be content with just sorting half a load of laundry today when your list of things to do was longer than this blog post.
15. Knowing that your partner will never quite understand what it means to be on-call 24/7 to a small person whilst still making the house run smoothly and therefore why he complains every time you take him away from his computer/nap/sports to do something like hang out the washing... but wishing that he would so you could stop feeling like you have an extra child.
16. Watching this weird mini being sleep, kick, swing or stare at nothing for as long as he will let you.
17. Experiencing a bond and connection different from any other and being amazed at the effect he can have on your heart.
18. Having a meal with your partner and realising your days are consumed by being a parent so the most exciting thing you can add to the conversation is that you tried to new nappies and they were no good.
19. Getting sheer enjoyment from dressing the small person in cute clothes and distributing photos of him to all your contacts no matter how uninterested they are.
20. And finally... knowing there is never going to be anything quite as wonderful in the world as when the baby smiles at you with his whole face...
