I wish there was an app or something that could tell me exactly what day Tiny Human was coming. I like to plan. This little guys will dictate everything else, can't I have a say in when he comes out of me? Being able to plan and take back some control was why a c-section was so alluring.
I have been trying to explain the birthing process to the girls. They say "I can't wait for Friday!" because this is Tiny Human's due date. Tara says "so do you go into hospital on Friday and then they take the baby out?". "No darling," I answer, "he will let me know when he is ready to come out." This makes no sense to a six year old.
I say "It takes a while for him to come out and it hurts.". I squeeze their shoulders for three seconds then let go, then I squeeze again. I say that is what contractions are like. This they remember.
So as my boobs kept growing, I had to keep buying new bras. These suckers are pricey! Once a 14F no longer fit me, I was left with online shopping only. I found this heavy duty sports bra. It had straps two inches thick a 10 clasp close at the back and this marvelous design that managed to keep my boobs separate at the front (not an easy task given the size of my boosims). The bra was marvelous, comfortable and so so so very ugly. So when it started to sause chaffing, I knew it was all over. There was nothing left I could do for my chest.
Sometimes I like to poke Tiny Human to make sure he is still there... he ignores me. Typical!
Me: *trying to make myself look nice at eight months pregnant for Leah's award ceremony*
Me: *throwing clothes onto the bed... realising I can't get that dress over my shoulders... ooops realising I can't get this dress off my shoulders... double ooops that was the sounds of stitches ripping...*
Me: *finally decided on a nice stripy dress... now I need to get my stockings on.... one foot... two feet...* "NOPE!"
Me: "CHRISSY!!!!!!!!!!!"
Chris: *taking directions from me as to how to get my second foot in the stocking and pull them up*
Chris: "This the weirdest thing I had had to do for you"
... ten minutes later
Me: "ugh, this dress is not going to work..."
Me: *said something smart-ass-ish to Chris*
Chris: *pushes me onto my side on the couch*
Chris: *in his head* "I am the greatest! I have worked out how to take advantage of Tara's pregnancy. Ahahahahahahaha!"
I get it, some people don't hate pregnancy. Good for you! But please don't try to convert me to your side of things. No matter how much you say "this is a glorious time" or "enjoy the time you are pregnant", I will not suddenly stop and realise "OMG you were right all along, pregnancy is a beautiful gift and I need to relish every part of it... the sickness, the inability to move normally, the pelvis issues and the people wanting to talk to me! It is all wonderful, I never want this to end."
So usually I pee right about midnight. I wake up, I pee, I pet the cat, then I go back to bed. So I must have been really tired when I managed to sleep until 2am. That sounds nice doesn't it? NO!!!! It meant I had another two hours of pee build up and it freaking hurt!!!!!!!!!
Me: sitting quietly on the couch minding my own business when suddenly... "OW OW OW OW. Why the f*** are you hurting me! Stop it!"
So, girls know that getting a midstream urine sample is a tough task. For guys, you hold onto and point the urine into the cup, for girls it is not so simple. We need to stick the cup where we think the pee will come out and hope for the best. Normally we can see the stream and slip the cup in the right place. But wait... not when you are 8 months pregnant... you can't see anything down there! There is no point and shoot, there is no see the stream and slide the cup in the right place... it is a blind process. Alas, I peed all over myself and was surprised I managed to get any in the damn cup!
My toes are little sausages....
Between maternity leave and my massive feet, I look at my extensive show collection and wonder how many of my babies have already been worn for the last time :(
Chris: ":my wife is like morning sickness... I don't want to hear from her when I am at work, but when I don't, I assume something is wrong."
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