Indigestion is a bitch
Like a high school snitch
You can't hit him, he's smaller than us
So you yell and scream and cuss.
Indigestion go away
I can't operate on no sleep everyday
Sitting and sleeping are not meant to combine
And sleep is a dear friend of mine.
Indigestion, I hate you so much
Insert metaphor about unrequited crush
It's the same evil pain in the chest
That keeps you awake without any rest.
Indigestion you are not welcome,
Like a smell not knowing where it's coming from
Hunting for a way to make it disappear
With no power to make it leave here.
Indigestion please be no more
I don't even understand why you're here for
Well, I know the medical reasons
But I don't care for this feelings.
Sunday, 25 September 2016
Thursday, 8 September 2016
Update: Tiny Human is not so Tiny
At almost 36 weeks we were more than ready to know what the birthing plan was going to be.
The ultrasound would be the way to find out which part of my body, Tiny Human would first see.
Yep, there's the cervix says the technician and here is the placenta they are quite ordinary.
No need for a planned Cesarean, vaginal birth is a safe option, but wait there's more she says merrily.
Here's his head, his tummy and his leg... any issues with diabetes or complications? No definitely.
It turns out there is nothing to be concerned about, well other than the size of the not so small baby.
He is a little on the larger size, on the 91st percentile, already like 3.5 kilos amazingly.
From now on the Tiny... well more like Little Human will continue to grow you see.
He will put on fat at a rate of 200g per week, that is what worries me.
But he is in the right position, healthy and normal. A healthy, normally fatty baby he will be.
Thursday, 1 September 2016
Random Pregnancy Thoughts: August
Me: poking Chris in the arm to get his attention "Chrissy, Chrissy, Chrissy, Chrissy!"
Chris: ignoring me, assuming I have nothing of interest to say.
Me: "Chrissy!!!!!" I continue to poke him whilst he ignores me! "Chrissy guess what?!"
Chris: tries to go on ignoring me.
Me: *thinking there is no way Chris is going to win this war* upgrades to poking Chrissy's ribs "Chrissy guess what?!"
Chris: "What?"
Me: *thinking woohoo I won* "Want to know how I wash my feet?!"
Chris: "not really" and goes back to his book.
Me: "In the shower I get the loofah and put soap on it... then I drop it on the floor and use my other foot to rub it on my foot."
Chris: unimpressed "That's lovely darling".
Why do my stretch marks hurt? Are they supposed to?
Me: waking up in the morning... "Chrissy I need a hug"
Chris: moving towards me "you want a hug?"
Me: starts crying
Chris: "aw darling is it because Pene did a big poo?"
Me: "I don't know why" cries into Chris' clothes
So I was getting dressed for work when I went to choose some shoes. I pushed my feet into them. They seemed a bit snug... hmmmm, I thought, I have heard about people getting swollen feet... maybe my feet are a bit swollen. Oh well. A few hours later I was sitting at my desk with my shoes off. I went to get a cup of tea and planned to put my shoes on to walk to the kitchen. Alas, my feet had other plans. There was no squishing my feet back into the shoes... so for the rest of the day I was shoeless. No one gets cranky and mentions WH&S to the crazy shoeless pregnant lady, they just let her get her tea.
So, my ring doesn't fit anymore. Yeah, that same ring that falls off in the winter months... it is too small for my fatty-mcfatty fingers!
Getting ready for work decisions tree...
Do I have to see any clients or go to important meetings today?
Yes: wear proper clothes
No: wear track pants and hoodie
The man gave me back my change and $1 coin fell on the floor. I just stood there and looked at it. Perhaps it would magically fly into my hand... ah yes it does fly into my hand (with help from the man picking it up and placing it into my hand). No joke, I was ready to walk away from that $1.
As told to me by a friend...
Male doctor: women tend to like to pamper themselves and splurge in the last trimester with a pedicure. They like their toes to look nice.
Any female: ah... well it is probably because they can't reach their feet anymore to even trim their nails.
I now look at my size 10E bras and wonder how I ever fit into something so small!
If my boobs could stop growing now, that would be great.
Everyone ever: how are you feeling?
Me: fat
Everyone ever: oh no... you aren't fat... you're pregnant... you look lovely... yeah pregnant.
Me: ah... yeah pregnant and fat. (Seriously I am fat. I am okay with it, no need to try to make me feel better, but yeah unless the baby is partly in my arms, thighs and boobs... there is some fat going on there.)
Everyone ever: how much longer to go?
Me: seven weeks
Everyone ever: (with shocked look on face looking at how huge I am). Wow not long to go now!
Me: no, it is ages!
Saturday, 20 August 2016
Strrrretttchhhhh
"Chrissy!!!!" She shrieked waking her husband from his sleep in.
When he didn't stir, she got louder "CHRISSY!"
Still no reply.
"Chrissssssy," she whined "I know you are awake."
"Ah, why can't you just pretend I am sleep for once?"
"because of this!!!" She answers facing her pregnant belly towards to her dopey husband.
"What...?" He is confused and honestly doesn't care.
"Stretch marks Chrissy! On my belly, why didn't you tell me?"
Now he is confused, why was he supposed to tell her...?
"You know I can't see my belly! I need you to tell me!"
He wasn't sure if she was joking or not.
She grabbed a hold of the Bio Oil and rubbed it on her under belly.
She thought to herself that she may have over-reacted. She had found stretch marks on her enormous boobs a few weeks before. It was upsetting to see the three or so small reddy-purple lines on the top outside of her melons. However, she had to admit, she had escaped getting any lines earlier when her lumps of fat had grown from an already large 10E to a 14FF. She now looks at her old bras and wondering softly if she will ever fit into them again. They look tiny compared to the basketball holders she is sporting these days. So, the stretch marks on her breasts, they didn't get this reaction.
It was about a week after that she had discovered two lines on the top of each of her thighs too. Given the extension of her butt and thighs in the months of her baby growing, this did not surprise her either. They were small and not noticeable. They got some attention from the Bio Oil, but not the stressed response that her stomach did.
So why was she so shocked to see stretch marks on her belly? Of course her belly was ten thousand times bigger than it was before. If any area of her body was going to get coloured, jagged lines on them, it was going to be her belly. So who cares? Why did these marks seem like such a travesty that required a huge response at 6:30 in the morning and an acknowledgement from her husband?
After she pulled herself together and considered her situation she had to conceed, it could be much worse....
So thankful that none of these are me!
When he didn't stir, she got louder "CHRISSY!"
Still no reply.
"Chrissssssy," she whined "I know you are awake."
"Ah, why can't you just pretend I am sleep for once?"
"because of this!!!" She answers facing her pregnant belly towards to her dopey husband.
"What...?" He is confused and honestly doesn't care.
"Stretch marks Chrissy! On my belly, why didn't you tell me?"
Now he is confused, why was he supposed to tell her...?
"You know I can't see my belly! I need you to tell me!"
He wasn't sure if she was joking or not.
She grabbed a hold of the Bio Oil and rubbed it on her under belly.
She thought to herself that she may have over-reacted. She had found stretch marks on her enormous boobs a few weeks before. It was upsetting to see the three or so small reddy-purple lines on the top outside of her melons. However, she had to admit, she had escaped getting any lines earlier when her lumps of fat had grown from an already large 10E to a 14FF. She now looks at her old bras and wondering softly if she will ever fit into them again. They look tiny compared to the basketball holders she is sporting these days. So, the stretch marks on her breasts, they didn't get this reaction.
It was about a week after that she had discovered two lines on the top of each of her thighs too. Given the extension of her butt and thighs in the months of her baby growing, this did not surprise her either. They were small and not noticeable. They got some attention from the Bio Oil, but not the stressed response that her stomach did.
So why was she so shocked to see stretch marks on her belly? Of course her belly was ten thousand times bigger than it was before. If any area of her body was going to get coloured, jagged lines on them, it was going to be her belly. So who cares? Why did these marks seem like such a travesty that required a huge response at 6:30 in the morning and an acknowledgement from her husband?
After she pulled herself together and considered her situation she had to conceed, it could be much worse....
Wednesday, 10 August 2016
A Review: baby school - week 4
Baby school has continued for the couple weekly and now they are up to week 4. Conversations have been had about labor positions, pain relief and how to keep tiny human's safe. Then there were the videos and so many boobs, always boobs to see.
Week 4 was all about a tour of the hospital. At Royal Hospital for Women there are 10 delivery rooms, all with en suites, beds, gas and some clinical looking medical equipment. Oh and they all have balconies, not fancy city views but an outdoor space for when the woman is in so much pain she just wants to jump... or when the man has had enough of being the support and is ready to give up. Perhaps that is not the intention, but that is how the couple interpreted the architectural design.
After the baby comes out the couple will be moved upstairs to either a double or a single room while the mother recovers from the trauma of childbirth and tries to adjust to the tiny human being outside of the body.
After the tour there was more talking and more mentioning of "bearing down". Why does this facilitator lady love bearing down so much! This week also taught the couple about the perineum.
She told the group that it is the midwife's job to preserve the perineum. She was quite excited about this. But it is understandable that when incontinence and terrible tearing is concerned, someone needs to be passionate about avoiding it.
The other fun thing that the couple watches out for is when the facilitator doesn't agree with the father's humour and cuts him off or changes the subject. Lucky the mother thinks he is funny. If nothing else the couple are enjoying laughing inappropriately at the baby school content.
So what is the rating now...
Conveyor: 3/5 She has dropped a few pegs for the couple due to her obsession with bearing down and that she doesn't laugh at the father's jokes.
Content: 4/5 The tour was useful to just how much American TV does not prepare you for giving birth in Australia (surprised?... no).
Overall: now we are looking at more of a 3/5...
Week 4 was all about a tour of the hospital. At Royal Hospital for Women there are 10 delivery rooms, all with en suites, beds, gas and some clinical looking medical equipment. Oh and they all have balconies, not fancy city views but an outdoor space for when the woman is in so much pain she just wants to jump... or when the man has had enough of being the support and is ready to give up. Perhaps that is not the intention, but that is how the couple interpreted the architectural design.
After the baby comes out the couple will be moved upstairs to either a double or a single room while the mother recovers from the trauma of childbirth and tries to adjust to the tiny human being outside of the body.
After the tour there was more talking and more mentioning of "bearing down". Why does this facilitator lady love bearing down so much! This week also taught the couple about the perineum.
She told the group that it is the midwife's job to preserve the perineum. She was quite excited about this. But it is understandable that when incontinence and terrible tearing is concerned, someone needs to be passionate about avoiding it.
The other fun thing that the couple watches out for is when the facilitator doesn't agree with the father's humour and cuts him off or changes the subject. Lucky the mother thinks he is funny. If nothing else the couple are enjoying laughing inappropriately at the baby school content.
So what is the rating now...
Conveyor: 3/5 She has dropped a few pegs for the couple due to her obsession with bearing down and that she doesn't laugh at the father's jokes.
Content: 4/5 The tour was useful to just how much American TV does not prepare you for giving birth in Australia (surprised?... no).
Overall: now we are looking at more of a 3/5...
Thursday, 21 July 2016
A Review: Having a baby school day one
The couple entered the room just before 6:30 without high expectations. They were trepidatious of meeting new people and this brought out the father-to-be's most annoying side. The room was far from exciting with chairs in a circle, an old white board and a small table with papers and pens.
The couple were the first sit down and picked seats in the middle facing the front. They would soon realise this placed them in the direct eye-line of the conveyor and was just what the mum-to-be needed to feel uncomfortable. Participation got to write out their own name tags to add some style or flare. The couple made fun of each others' designs in a thinly veiled effort to make themselves feel more comfortable in the new situation.
More couples spilled into the room and took their seats. There was the tall couple with the tiny baby bump, the couple whom we shall assume wore matching white shirts and grey tracksuit pants by accident, the Asian couple and some others. If we spare a moment to stereotype our main couple, we might say the awkward, joke-making couple or.. the couple that teased each other like grade school children. Something like that.
The convenor was super excited, almost too excited. But we must appreciate her excitement, good on her for enjoying a job that she gets to do each night of the week which includes scaring people who have no choice left to back out of their predicament.
She stood at the front and worked hard to make eye contact with everyone, as mentioned earlier, their seat choice meant that our couple got more of this than others. She spoke about what the workshops would contain and we entered into our couple's favourite portion of the night: the getting to know you segment. This meant breaking up the participants into smaller groups so they could introduce one another. The focus of the discussions: tell me something interesting about you. The couple for thankful that they have an interesting fact on hand at all times, they are after all foster carers which is pretty cool!
Once that was over and done with, we discussed labour and that super process. Facts were thrown around such as the average labour taking 14 hours and a newborn needing to be fed every 2-4 hours. Sleep deprivation was touched on and the need for the dads-to-be to be in the kitchen preparing nutritious food for the mum so that she can breastfeed her new bundle of screaming joy.
There were some scared faces and worried sounds from the group at times and some smiles and forced laughs at others. Our couple threw in some jokes to lighten their moods. They remain unsure of just how well the rest of the group took the (at times) inappropriate comments from the father-to-be and pointless one liners from the mother-to-be.
Convener: 4/5 She was a little too excited and held contact with our couple for too long but her excitement got her over the line with 4 stars.
Content: 2/5 this first session was lacking in content and focused on getting to know each other... let's see what next week brings.
Overall rating: 3/5
The couple were the first sit down and picked seats in the middle facing the front. They would soon realise this placed them in the direct eye-line of the conveyor and was just what the mum-to-be needed to feel uncomfortable. Participation got to write out their own name tags to add some style or flare. The couple made fun of each others' designs in a thinly veiled effort to make themselves feel more comfortable in the new situation.
More couples spilled into the room and took their seats. There was the tall couple with the tiny baby bump, the couple whom we shall assume wore matching white shirts and grey tracksuit pants by accident, the Asian couple and some others. If we spare a moment to stereotype our main couple, we might say the awkward, joke-making couple or.. the couple that teased each other like grade school children. Something like that.
The convenor was super excited, almost too excited. But we must appreciate her excitement, good on her for enjoying a job that she gets to do each night of the week which includes scaring people who have no choice left to back out of their predicament.
She stood at the front and worked hard to make eye contact with everyone, as mentioned earlier, their seat choice meant that our couple got more of this than others. She spoke about what the workshops would contain and we entered into our couple's favourite portion of the night: the getting to know you segment. This meant breaking up the participants into smaller groups so they could introduce one another. The focus of the discussions: tell me something interesting about you. The couple for thankful that they have an interesting fact on hand at all times, they are after all foster carers which is pretty cool!
Once that was over and done with, we discussed labour and that super process. Facts were thrown around such as the average labour taking 14 hours and a newborn needing to be fed every 2-4 hours. Sleep deprivation was touched on and the need for the dads-to-be to be in the kitchen preparing nutritious food for the mum so that she can breastfeed her new bundle of screaming joy.
There were some scared faces and worried sounds from the group at times and some smiles and forced laughs at others. Our couple threw in some jokes to lighten their moods. They remain unsure of just how well the rest of the group took the (at times) inappropriate comments from the father-to-be and pointless one liners from the mother-to-be.
Convener: 4/5 She was a little too excited and held contact with our couple for too long but her excitement got her over the line with 4 stars.
Content: 2/5 this first session was lacking in content and focused on getting to know each other... let's see what next week brings.
Overall rating: 3/5
Friday, 15 July 2016
Baby Shower pics
So, i had written a nice little poem and arranged the photos, but they didn't save. So.... none of that! Just photos.
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